The Beastie Boys – Adam Horovitz, Adam Yauch and Michael Diamond (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Beastie Boys filmed an unreleased musical performance of “The New Style” for the 3rd season (which never aired) of “Chappelle’s Show” in the fall of (in NYC) 2004.
It’s been a little while since an update so here goes (and where to start??). I believe in my last post I had mentioned how I would be soon starting to work for a new dog walking company. Due to my work related injury (all the way back last December!), this plan got scratched. In the end, it is so obviously for the best it would have been a committed Mon.-Fri. day job, which would make it difficult to do films, have day rehearsals, and go on many auditions, and many other necessities towards my acting career. What I WILL be doing instead is freelance babysitting, cat sitting, background work, and doing freelance errands. I have taken actions towards all of these and have plans and appointments laid out for the weeks ahead, and am excited about doing work I enjoy that also gives me the complete flexibility needed to continue building my acting career. I won’t be going back to waiting tables as I am physically unable, but even if that were a current possibility, I wouldn’t as I don’t want to ever risk this type of injury through that work again. It has been a LONG 5 months of recovery; I’ve been going to PT consistently since February, and my physical therapist is GREAT (wonderful positive energy), but quite frankly I’m over it! I have an appointment with my orthopedic surgeon on the 14th, so I’ll give a further update after that. I am certainly not bed ridden (by any stretch of the imagination); it’s that certain actions (lifting, carrying, specific range of motion) will still bring pain after a short period of use (or sometimes immediately). So I keep doing my PT sessions, at home stretches, etc, but I have long mentally and physically moved on to “OK, what can I do with where I am at now.”
Speaking of, my classes have or are coming to an end (one more Alexander Technique class left for the quarter). My monologue audition class was fantastic in so many ways, not just with the technique but even more importantly in the details that most don’t think about. How you walk in the room, when do you say hello, how do you close the door, how you smile, don’t step back at the end when saying “thank you,” etc. My classmates were/are AWESOME, and with some I have joined a weekly rehearsal group to meet with so that we can get feedback on what we are currently working on, which is SO HELPFUL–and I especially love supporting these truly wonderful new friends of mine in the same way. While the class was still in session, it required a fairly large time commitment and so I was selective about what I was submitting for (castings wise). Now, however, I’m submitting for any and all that I could possibly fit for and interests me, as is Jack. Last Sunday was particularly great because Jack and I both had 3 auditions each (all of mine were theatre based and his were all film based). It looks likely that Jack will be doing one of the films, in which case he will be shooting on location in New Jersey for 4 days in June. One of my auditions granted me membership into their theatre company, which does consistent work year round (full plays and one acts, etc); looking forward to working with them and learning a lot! Jack has also been going on EPAs, which haven’t given him a chance to audition yet, but he is persistent.
My plan is to join Jack in going to EPAs as soon as I update my headshots; I asked the advice of an off-Broadway casting director that I know, and they are truly in DIRE need of updating since they just don’t look like I do now. I want my first impression at the EPAs to be that of a professional who takes my work seriously, thus the waiting until I have the new headshots. My “official” goal is to have them by September 15th, although I’ve already gotten the ball rolling so it is likely I will have them much sooner. As they are pretty costly, I am gathering a list of those that are recommended and whose work I like, then setting up appointments for consultations/interviews before making my decision.
Let’s see, what else??…the steriods I was on for my herniated disc added a nice (not-so-nice) sack of potatoes weight to my body, so I am working out on a regular basis now. Regular means at least 5 times a week at the gym, and on non-gym days, at least a 30 minute walk. At the gym I am only doing the elliptical as it provides a good cardio workout but is also low-impact on my body and so doesn’t effect herniated disc. The Alexander Technique work I’ve been doing has helped a LOT in this regard, too, because I am constantly checking in with my body: where am I touching the earth, am I holding my breath, is there any tension in my body, where is the back of my head (critical for me as it helps me to allow it to go back rather than forward, which puts strain on my neck and shoulders); release, soften, head up an out, etc. The exercise has been GREAT for my spirit and daily perspective. Jack and I are both focusing on eating *mostly* vegetarian (he has actually swayed this way by no prompting by me), although there have been a few rare exceptions but only with “organic, humanely raised (MOST important!), properly fed, hormone and antibiotic free” eggs and beef. Mainly dark green leafy vegetables and multi-colored produce remains the goal.
We are currently in our last three months in this apartment! Seems strange although I am READY for us to finally have our OWN place, where we will not move again for quite a while. I’m ready to paint and decorate and build our own home. We will stay in Astoria although we are flexible as to what exact street/area. I would kind of prefer Ditmars as it seems a bit quieter, plus the trains are always running there (whereas there has been a lot of construction and rerouting at our current stop). I’ve been periodically keeping a lookout, although we won’t start seriously looking until probably the middle of June. We would LIKE to avoid using a broker, but are not limiting ourselves to owner-rented only, as we have pretty specific desires for what we want and thus want to have access to all of the options possible.
Alright, that’s the update! Kind of an informal post (I’m not going to go back to reread and edit), but it’s been a while so I wanted to just get it out. Maybe for June I will do another 30 day challenge where I post at least once a day…the last time I did that in January, it really inspired me and evoked a lot of big changes and positive action that were REALLY good for me and my life.:)
OK I will send you off with a couple of pictures from Jack’s 46th birthday dinner in April! We ate at this beautiful little place called Locale in Astoria. Amazingly delicious food and surprisingly inexpensive (another good reason to live in Astoria!).
PS–I lied, I had to edit (or actually add to) this post! I completely forgot to share about the theatre AWESOMENESS that I have been so blessed to see lately! First, we saw War Horse the day after Jack’s birthday (it was a gift that I had bought tickets for back in December). The crazy thing about that show was that I bought first row mezzanine…like that is what I specifically selected and paid for. I don’t know what the heck happened, but we ended up in our own personal row, FIRST row (as in FIRST first) center!!!! We literally had THE best seats in the entire theatre (even one of the ushers commented on it). I cannot do this show justice by even attempting to give it a review, so I will just say that it was worth EVERY single penny. I also get offers for free shows when I am registered at ESPA, and so I got to see Primary Stages, “Morini Strad,” “Jesus Christ Superstar” at the Neil Simon Theatre, and Second Stage’s, “Lonely I’m Not” thanks to ESPA. My absolute favorite out of all of those (that I just saw last night in fact) was “Lonely I’m Not.” I’m so impressed and inspired with everything that I’ve seen Second Stage put up. In addition to being a member of TDF (through which I can get discount tickets), a lot of my acting friends have been sharing other resources, one of which gets me tickets almost for free. Thanks to this particularly awesome resource, I got to see Tennessee Williams, “In Masks Outrageous and Austere” at the Culture Project in the Village. Only in NYC can I see 3 shows in one week for almost nothing, one of them being a Tennessee Williams world premiere! How incredible is my life! Not only that, but my seats for both “In Masks” and “Lonely I’m Not” were BOTH 2nd row!!! Hot damn, knock on wood, I’ve got some serious theater seat karma lately…maybe I should play the lottery!
To post something like this is normally so opposite of what I would ever do, but…but–not since the death of Heath Ledger (who’s artistic work effected me just as greatly, although it wasn’t as long of an affair as this) have I felt so gutted by the death of a celebrity. My childhood household was a strict one, and I remember sneaking to watch MTV (when I was supposed to be doing homework) on the downstairs television, sound turned down as low as possible but where I could still enjoy it, in order to see the video for Hey Ladies just one more time. Years later, at 19, my roommates, “Nice Guys” Tom and Joey, would blast Check Your Head and this would be when and how I learned that some albums were just so obviously made to be listened to with a little green. That album basically proved it to be a SCIENTIFIC FACT.
Four years later, I’m in Denver, Colorado, in some hole-in-the-wall dive bar that the nice clerk at the downtown 24-hour Kinkos recommended. My friend, Carri, and I are half-way through our drive across country to move to Seattle (me from Virginia, her from Indiana) and enjoying a couple of beers at this bar near our overnight motel stop. Some old drunk lady had apparently done or said the wrong thing and was being heaved out the backdoor by a body guard three times her size. Suddenly and simultaneously the jukebox begins to blare, “NO SLEEP TIL…” followed by that infamous guitar riff. And then Carri and I are “singing” along (in the loosest definition of “singing” as possible), substituting our next major destination, “Boise” for “Brooklyn” in the lyrics. (Little did I know it was much more prophetic than I ever could have imagined, as I would end up very unexpectedly moving to Brooklyn 12 years later.) No relation to the song, but to complete the story of the night, a couple of hours later I would be hit in the back of the head by the side-view mirror of a city metro bus, the driver of which would give no effs and keep going. (As you can probably guess, I survived.)
In Seattle, I would end up working at The Hurricane (formerly known as The Dog House), a greasy (and I do mean greasy) spoon 24 hour cafe, where the busiest part of the night would be right at bar rush, while Intergalactic played on the jukebox at least five times (extremely conservative estimate) a night.
The Beastie Boys last album, Hot Sauce Committee part 2, was released right around this time last year. When the upcoming release was officially announced, I was like a kid at Christmas; it had been a LONG time since I had been that excited about a new CD coming out. As soon as it was available I immediately downloaded the entire album (the only full album on my ipod to this day) and proceeded to wear that nonsense out every single dang day (in reality, like all of their music, in never wore out but rather got better and better with each listen).
The news of Adam Yauch’s death today literally felt like a punch to the stomach. So much of my life and experiences and memories are intertwined with their music. Every time I tried to buy concert tickets, they were sold out in MINUTES (I’m talking like three minutes most of the time). Now I’ll never get that chance; first world problems, right? When I was in the 7th grade, a rumor spread like wildfire (which I caught wind of in my math class) that all of the Beastie Boys had died from drinking Draino (or some other similar household cleaning product). I always associate that memory with Barbara Simms, who was also in that math class (maybe she was the one who told me? I can’t recall now…), who had an untimely death from a freak car accident after a football game during our senior year 5 years later. Every single one of the Beastie Boys’ songs I can relate to a memory, person, emotion, environment, what I was wearing etc. Adam “MCA” Yauch‘s way-too-early death marks a sad, sad for many. Thank you MCA for a lifetime of incredible music, film and art, good old nostalgic memories, and the never ending generosity of your spirit. What a gift your life was.
“To find joy in work is to discover the fountain of youth.”
–Pearl S. Buck
Jack and I have had a pretty fun full week! Above is him in costume (before make-up) as a Texas cowboy for his Nokian Tires commercial shoot in Burlington, VT. He had a blast and said that the cast and crew he worked with were all really great and that they said they definitely want to use him again in the future. This was Jack’s first visit to Vermont (I’ve never been, either); he said the town was absolutely stunning and, according to the ad agency he worked with, when you plan a trip (as opposed to last minute flights), it is extremely affordable to visit. Looks like perhaps a little get-away may be in our future!
Below are a couple of pictures he had taken during his time there. The one in the bar was at the lodge where they did the shoot. The next picture is him in front of the lodge, and the last is him exploring downtown Burlington shortly after arriving.
In other good news, I booked the Epix Cable promo! I’ve been very selectively submitting right now because I have 4-5 weeks left of classes that I want to be fully committing to; however a casting call came up looking for someone who knew Sign Language, and being that that really doesn’t happen very often, I really couldn’t pass it up. I went for the quick audition on Friday afternoon and then got the call that I had been cast on Monday night. So yesterday I spent all day in what felt like an awesome rendition of the Howard Stern Show. The promo is going to be for the comedian Jim Norton who, if you know any of his work, can be pretty raunchy and over the top in a no holds barred kind of way. It was a ridiculously fun shoot, Jim was super nice, and it was just a really great group of people over all to spend the day with. The crew was incredibly nice and fantastic to work with and I met some really interesting and fun actors and learned a lot. Bonus that it was a paid job, my first paid gig in NYC (I previously did a PSA that was deferred payment, but that didn’t pan out). I just have to add,too–since I’m such a foodie– that the catered food was really good; my favorite item they had on the buffet was the artichoke, potato and leeks soup–YUMMM!
Last little update; my neck and back have flared up a bit during the past week and I haven’t completely figured out what is causing it. It started last week, but then seemed to improve, and then, for some unknown reason, came back again with a vengeance Saturday night. I had so much fun during the shoot yesterday but my body was DONE by the end of it. The only thing I can think of is that my normal Physical Therapist has been out of town (he got a 2 week gig working with the Olympics team in California), and so it’s basically been the assistants that have been working with me. Which means I haven’t had my normal traction, and to be honest I’m not very confident that they(the assistants) fully know what they’re doing. I think he is back today-I really really hope so! I also saw my orthopedic surgeon this past Monday and we decided the next step is cortisone (oral, not injections). Currently I am on a 6 day pill pack (I took 6 pills throughout the day yesterday, today will be 5, tomorrow 4, and so on). My doctor said I should be feeling a lot better pretty quickly with these and I go back to see him again in 6 weeks. My neck/shoulders/upper back area basically feel just really constricted and compacted and what I really wish is that I could get done is some good chiropractic sessions. I may look into seeing if workman’s comp pays for this kind of treatment and if not I may just go out-of-pocket and make a few appointments to see if that helps to speed the recovery along more. I’m also keeping track of my overall daily routine (what I eat, certain stresses, exercises, stretches, etc) to see what might be contributing to flare ups and what calms them down and creates openness and flexibility for my body. I’m determined to keep moving forward and to be, in the not-so-distant-future, completely pain free.
“You could stand here sick with ten illnesses today, and tomorrow have no evidence of any of them. Your body has the ability to replenish itself that fast. But most of you do not have the ability to change your thoughts that fast. So the amount of time that it takes between sickness and wellness is only the amount of time that it takes for me to figure out how to let it in — for me to figure out how to feel good, when I’m looking at something that makes me feel bad.”
Below is only some of the most incredible authentic homemade Italian ravioli EVER. We *finally* recently discovered a family ran Italian deli in our neighborhood (Sorriso’s Pork Store). Drool away boys and girls. Drool away.
INTENSE dense sauces to go with mind-blowing raviolis above.
Yep, it was as good as it looks.
Speaking of supper, “The Last Supper” booth at San Loco Mexican restaurant in Brookyn
Arrrg, so much to update, so little time! Been writing, classing it, auditioning nonstop. Actually got to put my Sign Language skills to good use during an audition today which was pretty fun…more like riding a bicycle than I expected. Jack and I are no longer associated with the theatre company, UA; there’s no purpose or value in elaborating on the subject, so I won’t. Onward and upward! And we definitely are. Jack’s been submitting and auditioning just as much, and in fact he flies out to Vermont this Sunday to shoot a commercial for Nokian Tires. Because of the long distance, he had to submit his audition through video, so I taped him last Sunday (two separate takes, second with added direction) with my phone and we sent them in. If you know me personally and would like to see either of these awesome HIGHlarious audition submissions (and haven’t already), email me and I will send you the private link. The second submission he went for it so hard that I had to stop twice and restart because I couldn’t help laughing.
Quick summed-up update: Regarding my herniated disc injury, I’m still in PT, have 5+ more weeks at least. Improving, kind of the two steps forward, one step back kind of deal. BUT when I go back to work, I already have the most amazing job lined up: I will be working for this incredible, innovative start-up dog walking company(the company itself has been around for a few years, but with this particular focus for 8 months). Super great, young, motivated energy and forward thinking company that uses new ideas and modern technology to provide top notch service to dog owners. And I will be doing a flash mob (my first ever!) with them! We’re going to be participating in a huge adopt-a-dog event where we’ll be breaking out our mad skills. In addition to dog walking, I’m going to be doing freelance babysitting and maaaaaaaaaaybe working with a company that specializes in kids parties. I have specific companies I can work with, but am also going to focus on getting jobs on my own, starting with giving 3 families in my building a “free night of babysitting” (up to 4 hours). The exchange will be that they can see if they like me, and then if so allow me to use them as a local reference. I’m thinking of also doing a referral program where for each new unique referral someone gives me, I’ll give them a free hour of babysitting service. Or something like that. I think I might have enough work without all of this, but summer is right around the corner, so we’ll see, and if it seems not then I might add on the kids birthday parties work. I’ve been getting called in for a lot of auditions (including for paid gigs), and acting’s what I’m here for, so I want to leave plenty of open time to allow for those opportunities. But I AM totally freaking PSYCHED to soon be working with doggies!!!!!! Seriously you guys, I can’t wait.
Speaking of acting, my classes have been A-mazing. I did a Viewpoints Composition weekend workshop a couple of weekends ago that BLEW MY MIND and opened up my world and took my mind down the rabbit hole with regards to acting and art in new ways I never knew were possible. LOVED it. I’ve also been studying dialects (Spanish and British RP so far, Scottish starts next week) and while I still definitely need practice, practice, practice, I am not nearly as intimidated by it all as I used to be. In fact I actually (if you can believe it) find it all really fascinating and fun. Definite props to my talented and passionate instructor. My solo performance class has one more week to go, and I’ve hit some highs and some blocks, but I just keep going (because what else can I do?…I’m in a current block with it, can ya’ tell??). I have a good foundation and will continue working on it long after the class is finished. Lastly, I’m taking a new Monologues Audition class (taught by Karen Kohlhaas) that a good friend recommended and I am already completely in love with. As in…maybe…possibly…just perhaps…working and doing monologues auditions could actually be…fun. No really ya’ll. NO. REALLY.
Speaking of all this work, I have to get back to it, sooooo…I’ll do one more quick post after this to upload some recent photos. I’ll try my best not to be so long in between future blog posts! One photo teaser; this is what makes me officially now a New Yorker (MY GRANNY CART):
And noooooooow… why I actually signed in tonight, to quickly post (then felt guilty for not updating, so there you go) this video below that a friend of mine from my Alexander Technique sent me yesterday, which is absolutely freaking ridiculously INCREDIBLE. This is especially for all of you actors out there, but really for anyone who is pursuing the arts and/or creative field.
Susan: There are some people in the world who say that writing stories, or composing music or dancing sparkly dances is easy for them. Nothing interferes with their ability to create. While I celebrate their creative freedom, a little part of me just wants to punch those motherfuckers in the teeth. This song, I sing this song for you guys and for all the rest of us. Help me out y’all Backup: We’ll sing backup Susan: You have a story to tell, a novel you keep in a drawer. Backup: Old sock drawer! Susan: You have a painting to paint, but you lazy like an old French whore Backup: Je suis whore Susan: You have a movie to make, Shrinky Dinks you can bake but you best grab a stake, cause, in sweep the vampires, in creep the vampires, knee deep in vampires, Filling you with doubt. Insecurity, ’bout what you art should be in sweep the vampires All: Die vampire Susan: You sketched that turtle you saw in an ad on late-night cable TV Backup: Tippy Turtle! Susan: But your fourth grade teacher said Female Backup: You can’t draw Susan: Aww, those vampires just won’t let you be Backup: Fuck you Ms. Johnson, Word! Susan: And when they come run like hell, see those bats in your belfry, then call on Van Helsing. Susan: In swoosh Backup: Ooh, the vampires Susan: in a whoosh Backup: ooh, the vampires, Susan: Babaganoosh Backup: ooh, all the vampires Susan: Filling you with thoughts of Backup: Self consciousness Susan: Feelings of Backup: Worthlessness Susan: They’ll make you Backup: Second guess Die vam- All: -pire! There are so many vampires, inside, outside, and nationwide, it helps to recognize them with this vampire hunting guide! Listen closely, a vampire is any person or thought or feeling that stands between you and your creative self expression, but they can assume many seductive forms. Here’s a few of them! Backup: Tell us Susan! Susan: First up are you pigmy vampires. They’ll swarm around you head like gnats and say things like: Male Backup: Your teeth need whitening Female Backup: You went to state school? Male Backup: You sound weird All: Shakespeare, Sondheim, Sedaris Susan: Did it before you and better than you, or they might say that you cannot sing good enough to be in a musical, or they might say: Backup: Ooh, your song’s derivative, Ooh, your song’s derivative, Ooh, your song’s derivative,
Susan: To keep that song from you! Just tell them: Backup: Die vampire, die! Susan: Brothers and sisters, next up is the air freshener vampire, she might look like you mama, or your old fat-ass, fat aunt Fanny. She smells something unpleasant in what you’re creating. She’ll urge you to: Backup: (Spraying sound) Susan: It with some pine fresh smell ’em ups. The air freshener vampire doesn’t want you to write about Backup: bad language, blood, or blow jobs Susan: She wants you to clean it up and clean it out. Which will leave your work toothless, gutless, and crotchless but, you’ll be left with two tight paragraphs, All kittens that your grandma would be so proud of. You look at that air freshener vampire in her fat ass, fat old fuckin’ face and you say All: (Chanting) Susan: The last vampire is the mother of all vampires and that is the vampire of despair. It’ll wake you up at 4am to say things like: Backup: Who do you think you’re kidding? You look like a fool. No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be good enough Susan: Why is it that if some dude walked up to me on the subway platform and said these things, I’d think he was a mentally ill asshole, but if the vampire inside my head says it, It’s the voice of reason. Backup: You have a story to tell, pull your novel out of that sock drawer! You have a painting to paint, you best paint it and then paint some more!
Susan: Oh baby, you must escape and grab it by the nape of its neck, by the trachea fuckin’ break it, go on drive a stake in, Yeah there’s no mistaking, now you’re shake and bakin’ All: Die, vampire I said, “Die, vampire” I said, “Now die vam-pi-re, die!” All: In fly the vampires, oh my the vampires, then die the vampires, filling you with life, creativity, all that you heart should be, out go the vampires Die vampire, die vampire, die vampire, die!
Because basically the acting studio where I take classes at (ESPA shout-out!) is basically the awesome-est of the awesome, Sunday I got to see Second Stage’s production of How I Learned to Drive (written by Paula Vogel and directed by Kate Whorisky) for FREE. I left the theater feeling like I did after watching Blue Valentine, and if you have read any of my previous blog entries, you know what that means:
The last two days have been interesting, illuminating, fascinating, hopeful, and freeing, and yes I did miss a blog entry yesterday because of it. The more information my brain has been taking in, the more focused (re: obsessed) I have become, which has evolved to feeling like it is impossible to pull away from the task at hand. (Disclaimer: before you read any further, please know that this is an extremely narcissistic self reflective entry (much more personal that I actually feel comfortable doing, but I feel it might help someone else out there, so I’m doing it anyway), so if that kind of stuff isn’t your cup of tea, you might want to click on. You’ve been warned.)
Let me back up. Last week marked the 1 month anniversary of me being out of work due to my arm injury, and as I mentioned in a previous post, I’ve finally become open to the possibility that going back to waiting tables might not be physically feasible. So I’ve been brainstorming “what else can I do what else can I do what else can I do” in morning pages, meditation, creative writing sessions, etc. Now some that know me might say why not go back to ASL interpreting, and I will actually answer the why not (other than the shoulder injury) later in this post. I went over to Jeff’s place on Saturday and actually even brought up this dilemma and the bigger dilemma of feeling so stuck in a wishy-washy I REALLY don’t know where to go from here place. On Sunday I was thinking about this more, and for fun googled something like “career placement test,” but what came up was a slew of websites to take the Jung /Brigg Myers personality tests.
Now I’m sure I’ve taken these tests before (probably many times before), but for whatever reason they never really stuck with me or carried a lot of weight in my mind. I actually suspect that in the past I (not purposely) answered them how I would *like* to be rather than how I actually am. This time when I took the tests (and when I say tests, I do mean several different ones, although ultimately I found this one to be the most accurate and helpful), and repeatedly got similar answers, and bells went off and the skies opened and angels began to sing.
Before I go any further, I just want to say and acknowledge I am by no stretch of the imagination an expert on the personality types (yet). The basic test(s) can give you some insight, but the actual layers to them run pretty thick and deep. I really look forward to learning more and more because they give you incredible insight and self awareness to how you think, process, and output information into the world on a conscious and unconscious level. I almost think the world “personality” is deceiving because it really isn’t that simple and it’s about so much more than whether someone is “outgoing” or “shy” or SEEMINGLY (key word there) “cheerful,” “pessimistic,” or the gazillion other ways you could define a personality. Human beings, their minds, internal worlds, and expressions are just so much more complex than that.
So after hours of pursuing and test taking and researching, I was able to confidently conclude this: my personality type preference is INFP with strong tendencies also toward INFJ and ISFP. What does all that mean? Rather than give you the extremely long list of the clinical definitions, I will point you towards this site which gives great explanations of the 16 individual types, their strengths, weaknesses, etc. There IS a test available on there, however it costs $5, and there are plenty of free ones available (like I mention above). If you want to pay for a test, I would recommend instead paying (a much higher price) for a more in-depth analysis that will provide you with a lot more detailed information and feedback. There are also tons of other sites that provide information, as well as a plethora of youtube videos available, so I won’t bore you with going into every single minute detail of all of the traits of these three personality types.
What I will share is this: discovering this and reading upon each of these was a HUGE aha of validation as a person for me. Each of the three types are rare (INFP making up about 4% of the population, INFJ making up about 1%, and ISFP making up about 6%). Both INFP and INFJ fall under that “Idealist” personality category while ISFP falls under the Artisan personality category. All three need substantial time alone to recharge, which I have always felt has been one of the biggest issues of importance for me (more on why below). I find the test results to be very accurate, with me having mostly INFP qualities, but also definitely demonstrating some of the qualities of INFJ and ISFP as well.
So far my explanation here has been limited and clinical, but if you’re still reading this, stay with me. INFPs are highly intuitive and emotionally feeling people, the most so out of all of the other types. But they actually tend to internalize this so that unless you really know them or are with them when a situation will bring this out, you may perceive something entirely different (either showing little or no emotion at all, or “seeming” angry or sad). One of the facial characteristics tends to be a scowl or frown, and I can’t tell you how many co-workers in NYC have asked me “what’s wrong” when I’m perfectly happy and content but just thinking. I’ve also had the reverse happen, like when I was training this woman on an extremely busy day, and I was stressed out of my MIND with sensory overload of work and keeping everything together and then having to train her at the same time; I turned to my trainee and apologized for my temperament, and she very seriously and genuinely said, “What do you mean? You seem completely calm to me.” Inside I felt ready to explode at any moment. And then another common facial gesture tendency, which I am well aware that I do, is to pause a lot when talking and look up (to think).
Now I want to bring this together with HSP, so I’m going to backtrack a little more. Last winter, I was co-facilitating a “The Artist’s Way” workshop and part of the “homework” was to create a vision board of sorts. I was going through magazines, ripping out inspirational pictures that called me, when I came across an article in Oprah Magazine. The article was on Highly Sensitive People, a condition I had never heard of before or even knew existed. As I read the article, I was immediately aware of how much the description fit *ME*, and took the little test they had afterwards to affirm that this was indeed the case. Now, I realized this was just a magazine article, and I don’t really take a lot of worth from magazine tests, so I did further research and eventually bought Elaine Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person in order to obtain more accurate information. I looked through and read it a bit, but became a little overwhelmed to really being motivated enough to go through it deeply and work out the exercises, so despite its accuracy, on a shelf it went.
There is SO much I could say about HSP. It has been somewhat debatable (although becoming much more accepted) within the scientific community, but I can tell you that it is absolutely 1000% real and fully exists. It is hereditary in nature (my mother is without a doubt HSP) and actually physiological in nature, which then impacts the psychological and cognitive processes. HSPs make up about 15-20% of the population, and 80% of them have the Introversion trait in the Jung/Briggs Myers personality classifications. Like the 16 personality types, all HSP people are individual so of course not everyone experiences it exactly the same way. The lines seem to blend a little with INFP and HSP, and HSP probably influences the other (I would be surprised if most HSPs weren’t INFPs), so I will just tell you how it is for me.
I have light sensitivity (both too much and not enough) and cannot tolerate neon lights for any real length of time (it will often effect me to the point where I can’t keep my eyes open and I have actually nodded off at a VERY inappropriate time, re: meeting, because of this). At home, this manifests as me constantly turning on and off different lamps and lights as my needs fluctuate. Noise is a big factor (and I am positive Jack is HSP for this same reason, although also many others, because we have the same crazy sensitivity). The sound of chewing or smacking lips when eating drives me absolutely insane, and if I hear it, I need a noise distracter of some sort (like the TV), or to find a way to focus on something else. Or just get up and leave the room (and I have done this). The noise sensitivity is an issue to such a degree that Jack and I have actually moved apartments over it (over what most others would probably tolerate or even consider normal), and we now know that we can never ever ever ever live below somebody (which may prove challenging this summer looking for a new place). I can be sensitive to smells, sounds, movement and space (meaning someone within the peripheral vision of my space), the latter which has the ability to cause a lot of irritation, stress, and/or anxiety, especially if I am trying to focus or concentrate. I feel deeply. When I say deeply, I mean so deeply sometimes it hurts. I love people and humanity more than can ever be expressed and yet sometimes I have such vile disdain for their hateful or even unaware, destructive, and/or cruel selfish ways that it kills me. I know a lot of people probably feel very similar, but I experience this not only to my core, but also feel other people’s emotional states (positive or negative, whatever they are) and energy when I am near them. This was definitely a stress and worry for me before moving to NYC, wondering if I could handle it in such a crowded and congested city. It can still definitely be a stress, especially on the train, but I have ways of dealing with it, which include changing cars, focusing my attention in another way, or often just accepting it and sucking it up. Because of my extreme emotional sensitivity to people, while socializing and being with those I love is almost always wonderful and energizing, I also REALLY need alone time and space to recharge. I have always been this way since a very young child.
Now I know it sounds like I’m painting a bleak picture, so here are the HSP “gifts”: sensory detail, nuances in meaning, emotional awareness, creativity, and greater empathy. These are also right in line with my personality test type findings, especially INFP. The BEST resource and short explanation I have found so far on HSP is this link, which is a 20 minute interview with Jim Hallowes here: http://talentdevelop.com/interviews/JimHallowes.mp3 . In it he describes the HSP (me!) to such a tea, I could (and did) cry. In it, some of the possible characteristics he lists of HSPs include the need to organize (including and especially thoughts), creatively gifted, having vivid dreams, the need to *feel* in control (this is a big one for me, even though I am aware that feeling and being are not the same thing), loyal, startle easy, extreme need for universal justice, find water calming, often avoid violent TV shows and movies, and have a deep appreciation for art, music, and nature. There can also be the tendency for HSPs to seem contradictory in nature by purposely (albeit perhaps unconsciously) overloading on stimulation in order to drown out other intense stimuli (spicy foods, music, sensory stimulation, etc). These two quotes in the interview are right on the money and really resonate with me personally (and were what brought me to said tears):
“The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanely sensitive. To them… a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create — so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, their very breath is cut off… They must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency they are not really alive unless they are creating.“–Pearl S. Buck
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”–Margaret Mead
I don’t think anything could express more perfectly than those two quotes what my Soul cries out and longs for. This insane sensitivity to the world and everything in it, the need to express it through creation in some way, and to love and give back to my fellow man, that I love so much, by using that creation to better the world for them in some way(s).
Soooo….why did I say at the beginning of this that these finding brought me hope and freedom? Because the truth frees. Nosce te ipsum. If you thought I was personal before, here it actually is. My entire life, as much as I love people and this world, I have felt like I was a stranger in it and definitely that I was not understood; that I couldn’t be understood. Like I was some alien that accidentally ended up here from some other planet. That we all look and sound and seem the same, but we’re actually talking a totally different language. Of course I don’t mean that in the literal sense, but I’ve always felt very very very different, and the truly kindred spirits that *really* get me have been far and few between. That doesn’t mean I don’t deeply value all of my friendships and loved ones. I do more than I can express. But I am keenly aware of how much more and deeper and harder I feel and take in, sometimes too much to take. Normally people consciously take in about 7 things to process information; HSPs take in about 50. When we are having a conversation, my mind is processing so much meaning to so many things, sometimes it can look like I’m not listening or spaced out when in fact I am deeply focused. For so long, I thought there has to be something wrong with me. Or maybe more accurately said, not right.
The household I was brought up in, despite my mother also (unknowingly I think) being a HSP and I know, despite how it hurts to look back on it, had (I like to think) good intentions, definitely did not provide a nourishing, healthy, and encouraging environment for the way I think and process and AM. I WAS (am?) Calvin and Hobbes, always with the imagination running wild and intense, spiritual by nature at a very young age, deeply connected with nature. If my face wasn’t in a book, I was enacting (often alone) the crazy (awesome!) stories that my mind couldn’t stop creating. I had to be doing anything creative and tried every chance I got. Any early attempts followed by failures (writing for my middle school newspaper, trying out for a school play) were crushing because there was zero encouragement to keep going or teaching that failure was part of the necessary process to success. My parents wanted me to major in business. They mistook a brain that works in symbols and metaphors for one talented in math and made for business. And all I can think is God help our kids with standardized testing. And so when I tried (I mean I really really tried) to go in the direction that was expected of me and, to them, what meant success and would make them proud, the hard fall from that came quickly and harshly, and looking back I actually can’t believe (and am grateful) there were not more devastating results. My junior year of high school should have been a glaring clue when I, in a panic of an instant, up and ran away one afternoon (literally slept in the woods for 3 days) because my whole being couldn’t stand it for one more crushing second and I just felt so completely helpless and trapped. On the third day (Mother’s Day to be exact), I finally contacted a friend, who then called my parents, and although I begged my parents for counseling (which was refused because there was “nothing wrong with me”), somehow for a little while things went back to “normal.” That event stayed with me though, as it was my first taste of freedom and my first glimpse that I actually have some say in my destiny, that I am not totally wrong and things didn’t have to be like this and that some sort of something that looks and feels like freedom IS possible. The downside was that the deep conditioning had been done, so it took many many years before the next real effective awakening was to to occur. Which, btw, was my first acting teacher, George Lewis, who not only completely broke open my world in the best way possible, but looking back was also the first to clue me in to my being HSP: in one of his earlier classes, we were all gathered in chairs in a circle, and he said of Marlon Brando (not verbatim), “the reason that he became so overweight was because he was so incredibly sensitive…his soul couldn’t take it, and so he had to build around himself a physical barrier”…his saying that struck me in the gut and heart so deeply and truthfully as also being true of myself… it took everything I had in that moment to keep it together. Marlon Brando had this to say about being a highly sensitive person: ““A sensitive person receives fifty impressions where somebody else may only get seven. Sensitive people are so vulnerable; they’re so easily brutalized and hurt just because they are sensitive. The more sensitive you are, the more certain you are to be brutalized, develop scabs….Analysis helps. It helped me.”
Okay. So now, really (really!) to the point. As I have been reading and learning and understanding and processing all of this during the past few days, it suddenly has taken on new meaning. It *really*no longer has to be something I have to fight against or that hinders me or limits me, but that I am SUPPOSED to be this way. That I am hardwired this way. And yes, that means some things are more challenging, that deep feeling of emotions can sometimes feel like the curse, but everyone has their own individual challenges and I can also see all of it as also the immense gift (just as everyone has their gifts) that it also really is. I’ve already known the emotional access is something I am blessed to have for acting. But now…I don’t know, I feel validated. I’ve always been told I should be a business major or doctor or use my brain for something that will be “useful and lead to success” (and hello what is SUCCESS and isn’t about time we as a culture redefined THAT???). And that not doing so in the way of their definition is a complete waste of my potential. But the truth is, while I might have a certain IQ and do good in math, I am actually BUILT for the arts and for writing and spiritual pursuits and activism and all of the things that call me deep within my soul. And not following THAT would be the REAL tragedy and waste of my potential. Something in me has always known this (or really really really wanted to believe it), and has known it more and more and more in recent years (hello, I am in in NYC now)…but now I feel like there is this real, solid tangible proof. I just feel like this huge fog has been lifted. Like I have SELF PERMISSION instead of feeling inside like I have something to prove to something or someone “out there” or I have to work harder than everyone else to earn the right to follow what is truly inside me.
Anyway, this is really long. And pretty personal. Which kind of freaks me out that other people, especially those that I know, are going to read this. And it possibly seems jumbled and perhaps incoherent in places to others where I haven’t been detailed enough to follow my thought process. But I had to get it out, because it just feels like such a RELIEF, and if there is any chance that it sheds even a glimpse of light for even one other person, then it’s completely worth it for me to put it out there and share. I am still processing all of it. And will continue to do so as I learn more, but knowledge, especially self knowledge, is power. I feel very grateful today.
I still don’t know what I’m going to do about work after all of this (or even if it will still be an issue), but I feel now like I’m approaching it from a different place. Oh, the reason that I am not inclined to go back to Sign Language interpreting…besides the obvious shoulder injury, I developed huge problems with neck and back pain and tension when I was doing this work before. It actually occurred because of how empathetic I am (I knew that this was the reason at the time when I quit, too). As an interpreter, you’re literally a conduit, and I couldn’t figure out a way to release the often deeply emotional communication that was going through my body. When I worked in the schools, I also would be witness to oppression (often having to step in and advocate) and it was extremely difficult for me to continue to take in, especially when, with my role, I wasn’t in a position to evoke change. It is actually a challenge for me as an actor as well, although I have different tools and methods that help, and working and learning the Alexander Technique has been HUGE as far as this is concerned.
Lastly, I will leave you with these, which I found when researching all of this on youtube and which I personally find HIGH-larious (mostly because a lot of it is true).
“We become sad in the first place because we have nothing stirring to do.”–Hermane Melville
First writing prompt of 2012: write about what stirs you
#42: Screen doors, particularly the metal kind with the hinge that looks like an air pump and makes that “swoooosh” sound halfway to its destination as it closes and “catches” on said hinge, then vibrating its tin body as it bangs shut, hard and loud the first time, but always bouncing back for a final encore against and within its frame.
Also, little messages from the Universe, like when you’re riding the N train back from Union Square to Queens (after originally trekking out there on News Year’s Day for a Trader Joe’s run, only to be greeted with a “CLOSED” sign, thus turning right around and heading straight back) and letting your current worries have a hay day in your head space:
Because I, in general, like to set myself up for the next-to-impossible, I’m beginning 2012 with just that. 2 months from now I will be taking a 5 week “Solo Performance” workshop class at ESPA (through Primary Stages), of which I fully intend to come out of with a completed first draft of a solo performance piece. And then…of course… the dreaded…the awful… the evil:
AUDITIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!
And so, you know, just to make my life an utter living hell (and by hell I of course actually mean totally freaking awesome), I will be starting out the first month of 2012 in Creative Incubation. This means:
1.DISTRACTION DEPRIVATION: Exactly what it sounds like. I am the Q-U-E-E-N of distraction procrastination. This was my safety zone, by binkie, my warm and cozy blankie as a child, and sometimes I forget that I don’t actually (always) need it anymore. For me, the biggest culprits are: Facebook, computer/phone games, and news and entertainment websites. Soooo, for the next month, if it isn’t directly related to acting, creative “work” (re: play), personal connections (emails, letters, phone calls, in-person), bills(gotta be responsible sometimes), and/or work, it ain’t happening. So, DEAR, lovely black holes of my precious sweet time, I’m sending you on a little va-cay for the wintery month of January. Sayonara.
2. 30+ Minutes DAILY Intentional Movement: Gym, walking, sit-ups, yoga, dancing, whatever. As long as I am purposefully MOVING.
3. DAILY Morning Pages
4. Daily Meditation
5. Alexander Technique’s Constructive Rest Exercise Daily (At least 15 minutes)
6. 30 Minutes Creative Writing Daily (this will be left up to flexible interpretation, but will always mean some sort of 30 minute nonstop writing-just-for-the-sake-of-writing exercise)
7. Weekly Artist Dates
8. 100% VEGAN!!: I’ve been riding the edge on this for a while now, not fully BYALONGSHOT giving up the dairy. This action definitely supports a happier, healthier, more creatively nutritious me.
9. Making and keeping my appointments with myself (and weekly POW meetings) on my PATH. (I fully give myself permission to have all of the appointments be creative-play-based, as long as they fit within the perimeters of my PATH.)
10. New (VEGAN!) Recipe Each Week! Jack’s not likely going vegan anytime soon (and by soon I mean NEVER), so I gotta keep things tasty and interesting to keep him happy, as well! Happy husband=happy wife, and vice versa.
11. DAILY (did I just type that?!) Blog Entry: Yes, folks, you heard it here first. This blog has been sporadic to say the least, but not this month! It might be a one liner, a simple picture of something inspires me, or it might be a 300 page novel. Let’s play it by ear. (And honestly, I’m totally stealing this daily posting idea from Bekah Brunstetter, whose blog I adore: http://blog.bekahbrunstetter.com/ )
12.
Ok, actually I don’t have a number 12.
Ok. Maybe that’s actually what number 12 is. Not having one…an end goal, a specified outcome, or a needed result. Just a daily re-commitment for the next month to being more fully present with myself and life, caring for and nurturing my creative and spiritual sweet Self. And then…whatever hatches, hatches.
The Search for my Treasure 