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Posts Tagged ‘Goal’

It’s actually been  more than a week, but here goes.  I have a lot to write about, or perhaps more accurately said, a lot brewing.  For tonight, though, I will keep this brief as Breaking Bad episodes, season 2 via Netflix are waiting (thank you dear sister for this new ADDICTION).  Normally it would still wait, but it’s Jack’s one day off this week, and while he knows I have self commitments I am wanting to stick to, I also want to capitalize on the time with him.:)

The 30 minutes exercise daily has been getting the least attention, definitely not by choice, as I’ve been pretty sick  this past week+ (and actually was ordered to have bed rest).   In addition to the “calcification” or whatevertheheck is trying to exit my body, I also woke up on Monday with an oh-joy cold/sore throat/sinus infection medley.  Doc says this is actually good as my body is trying to cleanse itself. Well cleanse away body. CLEANSE AWAY.

The daily creative writing has been mostly good….I did miss 2 days this week, but it was due to low energy level and how I was feeling those days health-wise.  Yesterday was one of them, which I also missed doing a blog post (the only day missed so far, however).  The writing I am LOVING and am fascinated by the themes that keep showing up (as well as what keeps showing up in my life to feed these themes): spirituality, religion, honne and tatemae, authenticity and/vs audacity, grace vs nature, ho’oponopono, shame, blocks, cleansing, release, lies, truth, etc.  As my goal was to have this daily writing prepare myself for work on my solo performance work (and beyond), I find these themes to be exciting and I am open and ready for what is to come.

Through my morning pages, meditation, and constructive rest, I am reflecting and opening to how this all relates to me personally as well as my life’s work.  The shoulder still has not healed and I have opened up to the possibility that it actually might not heal enough for me to return to restaurant work.  I’m not as stressed out about this as I was in the beginning, but rather continuing my work (along with my healing) and being open and actively inquisitive as to “ok, then, if not that then what’s next?”

I have stayed 100% vegan:  SUCCESS!  I have cooked up some pretty incredible vegan dishes this week, so keeping Jack happy in the process= double success.  Constructive rest has happened daily without fail, and I am really noticing the difference it is making in my body and my awareness (where I unconsciously have been holding tension, aka “protecting”).   There is a definite shift happening in my back and neck, and so I am completely motivated to keep this up and feeling all around pretty good about that.

Staying off Facebook and websites of the like has been easy (I did go on to  “exit the conversation” of a couple of mass emails (that I’m not able to participate in at this time, as I was constantly getting emails as a result).  While I do not miss the inundating myself with constant information that drowns out my own creative voice and/or using it as a huge mode of procrastination, I DO  greatly miss the connection with my family and friends.  This has become exponentially true with the isolation(even though I’ve still been in touch with many) of being at home so much to due to injury and illness.  There is one friend in particular that I think about daily as she is undergoing treatment for breast cancer, and has been very forthcoming in her moment to moment experience of it all via facebook.  Her status updates (and those of others like her) being trended would be a lot more beneficial to the spreading of true awareness of breast cancer and the likes than silly little hidden messages in status updates that really don’t mean or do jack shit (sorry but it’s true!).  I know that’s harsh, and I have a number of friends actually participating in this facebook status trend (which I know about from the emails until I logged in to drop out), but I feel like if people want to spread awareness, do it in a way that is real and deep and actually has some meaning and the potential to really impact and awaken people to something they don’t already know.  It’s not like breast cancer is some big secret.  We are all perfectly aware it’s there.  But my friend (who is undergoing treatment) and the sharing of her experience…now THAT’S some effective awareness spreading right there.  I’m just sayin’.

Ok, off soap box.  The only thing that truly got neglected this week was the working on my PATH. Oh wait, that is somewhat a lie…..I did buy a new 2012 planner.  I just didn’t do anything with it other than admire its newness and beauty.  So that is something for me to really look at  and think about why and how it can be approached differently.   We’ll see what new news I have to report about it next week.  To finish off, daily meditation and morning pages happened without issue (and I have found myself already lengthening my meditation time), as did my artist date (which is in my last blog post).  I am already aware of a pretty big shift happening in myself;  a slowing down to notice details so much more as I am doing things even mundane tasks, an increased calmness, a new sense of enjoyment of  even the smallest things.  I’m laughing a lot more, too.  This is good and is keeping me motivated and focused toward my daily tasks and I look forward to more and more and more.   As I wrote out today, every writing or meditation or creation of every kind doesn’t have to be golden.  It’s awesome when it is, but it’s obviously not always going to work out that way.  What’s important is the practice itself, showing up, and how you show up(and sometimes just saying “hey, I’m here okay” has to be enough, and that’s okay, too).  The rest will eventually somehow, in Its Own Way, start to work Itself out.

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I am definitely overdue for a blog post as so much has happened my since my last update.

Work.  When the holiday market job was unable to give me my schedule beyond 2 days in advance, I knew it was the icing on the cake of why that job wouldn’t work for me.  So I continued to submit resumes via Craigslist (mostly, but not soley, for restaurant jobs).  I knew what I wanted.  Something that was not late hours, with people that I would really enjoy working with in a team oriented and professional environment, where I could make a decent amount of money, and where I had a reasonable amount of flexibility and control over my schedule.

Now of course, what I REALLY want is not the job, or at least that kind of job, but to act.  But what I have really opened up to–in the past few days especially–is a deeper understanding of myself and how *I* best work.  My heart’s goal is to be living my free life and to be living powerfully and successful in that free life.  And as in a previous post, I had definitely not been feeling that.  Despite that we were here in NYC(the land of EVERYTHING), had the freedom of not working, and a decent amount of money in the bank, I was feeling anything but free.  Instead I felt more like I was stuck, meandering, had no set agenda or *needing* to do anything…almost purposeless.  Ungrounded.

So, I was without the holiday market job and not knowing how or where a job was going to come from that I could be happy doing .  So far I was 0 for 2, not including several other jobs that I just turned down based on info I had gathered—I mean, I just *couldn’t* get into the idea of serving jello shots topped with whipped creme at a frat boy establishment in the Village until 4 am.  I am not one to usually play the age card, but I can safely say that at 36 years young, I am happily past that stage of my life, and a job like that certainly wasn’t going to support my higher goals.   So, I contacted my friend, Jeff, who set me up with his temp agency.

I only ended up working one job for the company.  Most of this was because of the perfect timing–right before Thanksgiving, not a lot of work available, etc, etc.    But moreso, it was because of the great benefit that came out of applying at the agency–I was forced to really amp up my resume.

My plan was to work with the agency and perhaps get a part-time waiting gig, allotting for a good flexible schedule and a decent income.  But armed with my new-and-improved resume, I was about to get more than I realized I wanted.  The Friday after Thanksgiving, I got a message from a Midtown restaurant wanting me to come in for an interview.  I googled the phone #, to find that it was a pretty pricey seafood restaurant right near Grand Central Station, and the BEST thing–the hours were 11:30 am-11:00 pm!  In order to understand my excitement, you have to know that these hours for a restaurant are UNHEARD OF in Manhattan.  Most places stay open until 2-4 am.

My gut had a very, very good feeling about this place.  I went in for the interview on Saturday and started training Sunday.  And, hooray!–my gut was right.  Not only is the staff so great and they all REALLY like working there (I have been told over and over again by different people what a great job it is), the job is incredibly flexible (the staff even has a google group set up for trading shifts and everyone helps everyone out), the money is good and consistent (no “seasons”), and of course the hours are just right.  And the schedule they gave me is fantastic. This job is definitely a blessing!

So this brings me back to the theme of this post: finding freedom in structure.  Although one wouldn’t think so, as I am back to the “evil” we all call work (and training at that, so not even making any real money right now), my mood is so much lighter and freer, and I feel really, really GOOD.  So I asked myself, “what is this about?”  I mean who the hell gets excited and happier because of a waiting tables job??

And out of that, a revelation came:   when I am at my happiest, free-est, most successful, and feeling most powerful in my Self, I have structure.  It may not be to others, but this was a real shock to me.  I am keenly aware of my natural tendency to want to buck the current, rebel, reject authority or anything that causes me to feel confinement.  Whether I always voice or act on this tendency, I know it is there.

I took this newly realized self revelation and started looking at other aspects of my life.  In the just over 2 very short months that I’ve been in NYC, I’ve gained at least 10 lbs.  Being that I literally walk EVERYWHERE, this is somewhat shocking.  Being that there is a pizza place literally right next door (along with every other fast served food item within a short walking distance), it quickly becomes a lot less shocking.  I love the fact that anything I want is available–including the healthy selections–but what is challenging is that these items are all spread out.  And so shopping for things often becomes a “on the way” or “when I’m in the area,”  and the convenience of just ordering in or going next door has often won out.  Jack and I are a  good team for the shopping, but still, it is not as simple as just driving up to your local Safeway (this does not in any way negate my earlier sentiments that I LOVE LOVE LOVE not having a car).

So, admitting to myself that I need help and structure regarding my health and fitness, and knowing what has worked very, very well for me in the past (more than once–I just have to stick to it!), I got my butt (all 144 lbs of it as I was soon to find out, yikes!) into a WW meeting.  And oh, once again, mystical and strange timing of the Universe, wouldn’t you KNOW that the week I rejoin meeting is when WW introduces an ENTIRE new points program–and I actually mean that in a very good way.  It is new and fresh and causing me to be more focused in it and pay more attention.

What I am getting at with all of this is, for myself, and perhaps for everyone, I am realizing that freedom is found in structure. In both the bigger picture of our lives and in the minute details.   The Universe is not random or meandering or stuck–not one iota of it.  It is All very deliberate and purposeful and detailed, even the seemingly chaotic. I think Nature is a blueprint, an instruction manual, literally showing us the secret to living.  Find the structure, do your practice (creative, spiritual, sports, whatever) and watch what gives birth.  Follow the program (eating plan, spending plan, individual GOAL plans, acting homework, The Artist’s Way morning pages and Artist’s Dates, ETC), and watch what gets expressed through you, as you.  And here is what I am understanding–instead of, “oh god, it is so much work to do this program, this practice, to take this steps”– instead what is TRUE is that it is so easy to just do the practice, program, “work,” etc because we are not making anything happen, but ALLOWING it to be created (a healthy body, financial freedom, creative expression).  We only THINK and DECIDE it is hard because we think it is us that has to make everything happen, rather than finding joy in the practice/program/plans which all are there to *get us out of our own way* and allow our real power to give birth.  It’s what Actor’s Faith is all about.   Find the freedom in THAT, enjoy the journey of the process and find the FUN in all of the little details along the way.   For me, regarding this new job, I now feel my mind and heart are free to focus on what I really love because I’ve given the “worry and idleness” something to do.  And that is a key word for me: focus.  Structure clears the chaos and the noise and allows me to see and live more clearly and be more focused, pay more attention and forces me (in a good way) to be more detailed oriented in my life.  And as I’ve stated before, what I know to be true:  God(or if you prefer: Life, Creation/Creator, Universe, Source, Flying Spaghetti Monster) is in the details.

So that is where life is right now!  Thanksgiving was lovely, hosted at our home with Jeff, Kim and Will (all are Seattle Freehold alumni; Will is currently in the Theatre Grad program at Rutgers).  Below are some pictures from Thanksgiving as well as our silly (and a little more than slightly wine induced) gratitude video clip.

i have no idea....seriously

jeff basting the turkey

jack and jeff

crazy charades game!

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