Posts Tagged ‘Job Search’

For many (many) weeks now, I’ve been wearing work pants with a broken zipper.  Which has meant that the zipper constantly slips down.  Luckily my work costume also consists of a full body apron, so despite my constant not so conspicuous zipping up of my pants behind said apron, except for a few co-workers that I’ve revealed my dirty little secret to, nobody has been any the wiser.

Within the past few weeks, I also managed to wash a pen with a few of the whites.  Both of my shirts are also  all of a sudden missing  the top buttons.  If I didn’t know any better (hahahahahaha..ha……..ha), I would think the Universe was conspiring against my waiting tables.

One of Week 6’s tasks (“Recovering a Sense of Abundance) ala “The Artist’s Way” was to throw away 5 pieces of ratty clothing.  Being that I did a MAJOR purge when we moved out here in October, I didn’t have much to throw away.  But these work clothes, with broken zippers, missing buttons, and permanent stains definitely fit the bill.

I had been a little bit “behind” in the weekly tasks, so even though last week was week 7, I did the purging of the clothes on Tuesday.  I then took myself downtown early (before our weekly TAW meeting at Good Stuff Diner) to get new pants, shirts, and possibly shoes (didn’t have time for the new shoes—which look fine, but the support is long gone and my feet have been killing me…so time to be KIND to myself and get new ones).

The hunt for the pants proved to be the biggest challenge, mostly because while I am more average height than short, my legs themselves are short, and so finding pants that are the right size and length can be quite the treasure hunt.  Finally, (FINALLY!!!) I found some that would work…but then there was the oh so joyous task of trying them on.

Recently I have put on a few extra pounds.  Nothing extreme, but I have definitely been pushing it in the “getting the buttons clasped and the zipper zipped up (suckitin!!)” department (oh thank you thank you thank you Universe for jeans that stretch when worn). So having not bought anything new in a little while, I grabbed a size 6 and a size 8.

Now, “ideal weight” is a very, very individual perspective.  I just want to clarify this, because while some of my friends would rather give up their first born than be a size 8, others are silently (or not so silently) telling me to STFU with my whining through the computer.  In truth, ideal weight is when you (***YOU***) feel comfortable in your own body; good about yourself in how you look and feel.  Unfortunately the culture of our society can aid in distorting that perspective, but that’s another topic altogether.

I say all of this, because trying on clothes (dare I say, especially as a woman) when you are NOT at your “ideal weight” can be a harrowing experience.  Just taking off the clothes you are wearing with mirrors all around you can make you want to run out screaming (if you choose this route,  it’s probably best to put your clothes back on first).

So there I am, in the dressing room of Marshall’s on 6th Avenue in Manhattan, with some over-zealous woman in the changing stall next to me singing at the top of her lungs, while I stare at my 36 year old “baby fat” hanging over the waistline of my pants (…hot visual… no?). L ooking at the two identical pants in front of me, save the sizes, I decide to get the bad news over with quickly and try on the 6.  It actually buttons and zips up fine, but it IS tight and not entirely comfortable (and I imagine will be even less so when I tuck in my work shirt later); and I can definitely see where they are “leaving less to the imagination” than I would care for on the backside.  I proceed by trying on the size 8 pants, and am pleased that while they are a tiny bit loose, they are overall pretty comfortable.

I stand there staring at these pants, contemplating the conundrum of which to purchase.  SURELY I will follow through with my intentions in the very near, if not immediate, future and drop the extra pounds, leaving the size 6 pants a perfect match and the size 8 pants too big and useless. Of course I will!

As I am standing there, weighing the pros and cons in my head, I look at myself in the pants I am already wearing and own (and too tight…and definitely not comfortable)…and in that moment I have this Zen realization.  Now I know, it’s JUST pants…but stay with me.  A wise teacher’s voice (Kathianne Lewis) from the past rings in my ears, “How you do one thing is how you do everything.”

Oh. My.God.  What I realized in that moment was that I was unconsciously punishing myself, making myself wrong for being a size 8.  That a size 8 was not good enough or right or correct, and so I must suffer in the size 6, uncomfortable and unnatural as it feels, until I get it “right.”  And then, and only then, would I be “allowed” to feel good.

WOW, Jenn….*really*????  REALLY?!?!?!  …Le sigh…While it is so freeing to suddenly realize a hidden belief that you have had for so long and see how you have manifested it your behavior with *yourself*, one can’t help but grieve a bit when it is realized how long that behavior has carried on and on and on, and in how many (ALL) facets of one’s life.

Yikes!   So it should come to no surprise (and really doesn’t) that this all comes up on the brink that currently waiting tables is sucking my soul away from me.  Is it the place? Possibly (and perhaps probably), although I think there are a LOT of other factors to it.  And it all has to do with who I am, what makes up Jenn, and how I best thrive.  In the past few weeks, I’ve looked deeply into my past and upbringing, the environment and messages that were given, and the self and world view I developed as a result.  Some of it was horrifying at first, although as I was able to take a step back from it, I reclaimed my knowing that knowledge is power, and my awareness enables freedom, strength and personal empowerment.  What I have also concluded is this:  all that has happened in my life, seemingly horrible or not, is for my benefit and for good reason, because it makes me *exactly* who I am today, which is exactly as I am SUPPOSED to be.   And how I am SUPPOSED to be gives me exactly the perfect tools that enable me to fulfill my own Life’s Purpose.

This doesn’t mean I wipe my hands clean and say I’m done, I’m perfect as I am, so to heck with you all.  Whatever strikes a negative chord within us is there as a gift FOR us to look at and move forward and through and on to greater freedom and self empowerment and expansion; which lifts EVERYONE.   I embrace that growth, as uncomfortable as it can often be (and boy can it be ***UN***comfortable), because I am well aware of what is always on the other side.  So I keep going back for more, riding the edge, pushing the boundaries, going deeper, looking closer, listening harder.  I don’t think there is any other way to really live. At least not for me.

What does this mean for my work?  Ugh, right now I don’t know.  I set an intention at the beginning of January that I would no longer be waiting tables ever again by the end of the year (and that I would be able to do it easily, effortlessly, joyously, and financially freely).  So there, I’ve announced that to everyone; it’s as good as done (right?:) ).  But with setting that intention, I don’t plan on making an irresponsible flying leap into the abyss with no prospects in sight.  But I also don’t want to hop from job to job to job in the “meantime”.  Because there is no “meantime;” there is only right now.  So, where I am now is staying at the current job (as long as they are still having me and until I know the time is right), while remaining open and receptive to fulfilling, energizing, joyful and financially prosperous work that SUPPORTS my acting goals rather than depletes (depleting meaning my energy and spirit and motivation).  I don’t blame the job or anyone there…it is me that is changing, or has changed, or perhaps changed for a long time now….except now I’m no longer willing to wear the pants that are a size too small.

So  I ended up buying both pairs of pants.  Because I DO intend to live healthier and be kinder and more loving to my body with food and exercise. * And* I will love and be kinder to my body NOW by not punishing it, but rather accepting and loving it just as it is; meaning right now, exactly where  and who I am in *this*exact moment is perfectly ok, more than ok,  and is good enough.  In fact, actually, totally  freaking awesome.

(oooh I am so tempted to throw a “Tiger’s Blood” and “Winning” in there somewhere….but instead I will give you the video of the song that has been my mantra for the past 1-2 weeks…I  have not been a HUGE fan of Lady Gaga in the past, but this song (and the lyrics) is so powerfully RIGHT ON)

On the acting note, we are getting together tomorrow night (YAY!!!!!) to do a reading (with the entire cast present) of Orange Flower Water. CAN’T. WAIT.  Oh, wow speaking of can’t wait, I have been

S  T  R  U  G  G  L  I  N  G

with monologues…until just this past week!  I just *happened* to come across one of the best plays I have ever read EVER by Mark Schultz called, “The Gingerbread House.”  NOT for the faint of heart; it is unapologetically graphic and bold and deep and hits right at the core of some real Truth.  I found in it not one but three monologues (for myself) that I am in LOVE with, and so the juicy fire of motivation has been lit.

Lastly, we are 2 ½ months away from the end of our sublet lease agreement.  This has brought both anxiety and excitement, as I already feel ready to move, but the when/where/how/how/how/how/HOW???? has definitely not made itself clear yet.  We are OPEN to subletting in a longer term lease (at least 1 year), although IDEALLY we would like to move into a place where we could stay until we were ready/wanted to move (which I guess *could* possibly be a sublet).  I am more stressed because of the cats, especially 17 year old blind Lucy….it’s important to both of us that our cats (re: children) be as content and comfortable as possible.  I know that everything will work out more than fine in the end (because it always does), but I will feel better once everything is in place and I know all of the details (as I always do).

I’ll end with a quote, which I already posted on Facebook today. but will share again because it struck a good chord with me:

“Live to please others and everyone will love you except yourself.”  –Pablo Coelho


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I am definitely overdue for a blog post as so much has happened my since my last update.

Work.  When the holiday market job was unable to give me my schedule beyond 2 days in advance, I knew it was the icing on the cake of why that job wouldn’t work for me.  So I continued to submit resumes via Craigslist (mostly, but not soley, for restaurant jobs).  I knew what I wanted.  Something that was not late hours, with people that I would really enjoy working with in a team oriented and professional environment, where I could make a decent amount of money, and where I had a reasonable amount of flexibility and control over my schedule.

Now of course, what I REALLY want is not the job, or at least that kind of job, but to act.  But what I have really opened up to–in the past few days especially–is a deeper understanding of myself and how *I* best work.  My heart’s goal is to be living my free life and to be living powerfully and successful in that free life.  And as in a previous post, I had definitely not been feeling that.  Despite that we were here in NYC(the land of EVERYTHING), had the freedom of not working, and a decent amount of money in the bank, I was feeling anything but free.  Instead I felt more like I was stuck, meandering, had no set agenda or *needing* to do anything…almost purposeless.  Ungrounded.

So, I was without the holiday market job and not knowing how or where a job was going to come from that I could be happy doing .  So far I was 0 for 2, not including several other jobs that I just turned down based on info I had gathered—I mean, I just *couldn’t* get into the idea of serving jello shots topped with whipped creme at a frat boy establishment in the Village until 4 am.  I am not one to usually play the age card, but I can safely say that at 36 years young, I am happily past that stage of my life, and a job like that certainly wasn’t going to support my higher goals.   So, I contacted my friend, Jeff, who set me up with his temp agency.

I only ended up working one job for the company.  Most of this was because of the perfect timing–right before Thanksgiving, not a lot of work available, etc, etc.    But moreso, it was because of the great benefit that came out of applying at the agency–I was forced to really amp up my resume.

My plan was to work with the agency and perhaps get a part-time waiting gig, allotting for a good flexible schedule and a decent income.  But armed with my new-and-improved resume, I was about to get more than I realized I wanted.  The Friday after Thanksgiving, I got a message from a Midtown restaurant wanting me to come in for an interview.  I googled the phone #, to find that it was a pretty pricey seafood restaurant right near Grand Central Station, and the BEST thing–the hours were 11:30 am-11:00 pm!  In order to understand my excitement, you have to know that these hours for a restaurant are UNHEARD OF in Manhattan.  Most places stay open until 2-4 am.

My gut had a very, very good feeling about this place.  I went in for the interview on Saturday and started training Sunday.  And, hooray!–my gut was right.  Not only is the staff so great and they all REALLY like working there (I have been told over and over again by different people what a great job it is), the job is incredibly flexible (the staff even has a google group set up for trading shifts and everyone helps everyone out), the money is good and consistent (no “seasons”), and of course the hours are just right.  And the schedule they gave me is fantastic. This job is definitely a blessing!

So this brings me back to the theme of this post: finding freedom in structure.  Although one wouldn’t think so, as I am back to the “evil” we all call work (and training at that, so not even making any real money right now), my mood is so much lighter and freer, and I feel really, really GOOD.  So I asked myself, “what is this about?”  I mean who the hell gets excited and happier because of a waiting tables job??

And out of that, a revelation came:   when I am at my happiest, free-est, most successful, and feeling most powerful in my Self, I have structure.  It may not be to others, but this was a real shock to me.  I am keenly aware of my natural tendency to want to buck the current, rebel, reject authority or anything that causes me to feel confinement.  Whether I always voice or act on this tendency, I know it is there.

I took this newly realized self revelation and started looking at other aspects of my life.  In the just over 2 very short months that I’ve been in NYC, I’ve gained at least 10 lbs.  Being that I literally walk EVERYWHERE, this is somewhat shocking.  Being that there is a pizza place literally right next door (along with every other fast served food item within a short walking distance), it quickly becomes a lot less shocking.  I love the fact that anything I want is available–including the healthy selections–but what is challenging is that these items are all spread out.  And so shopping for things often becomes a “on the way” or “when I’m in the area,”  and the convenience of just ordering in or going next door has often won out.  Jack and I are a  good team for the shopping, but still, it is not as simple as just driving up to your local Safeway (this does not in any way negate my earlier sentiments that I LOVE LOVE LOVE not having a car).

So, admitting to myself that I need help and structure regarding my health and fitness, and knowing what has worked very, very well for me in the past (more than once–I just have to stick to it!), I got my butt (all 144 lbs of it as I was soon to find out, yikes!) into a WW meeting.  And oh, once again, mystical and strange timing of the Universe, wouldn’t you KNOW that the week I rejoin meeting is when WW introduces an ENTIRE new points program–and I actually mean that in a very good way.  It is new and fresh and causing me to be more focused in it and pay more attention.

What I am getting at with all of this is, for myself, and perhaps for everyone, I am realizing that freedom is found in structure. In both the bigger picture of our lives and in the minute details.   The Universe is not random or meandering or stuck–not one iota of it.  It is All very deliberate and purposeful and detailed, even the seemingly chaotic. I think Nature is a blueprint, an instruction manual, literally showing us the secret to living.  Find the structure, do your practice (creative, spiritual, sports, whatever) and watch what gives birth.  Follow the program (eating plan, spending plan, individual GOAL plans, acting homework, The Artist’s Way morning pages and Artist’s Dates, ETC), and watch what gets expressed through you, as you.  And here is what I am understanding–instead of, “oh god, it is so much work to do this program, this practice, to take this steps”– instead what is TRUE is that it is so easy to just do the practice, program, “work,” etc because we are not making anything happen, but ALLOWING it to be created (a healthy body, financial freedom, creative expression).  We only THINK and DECIDE it is hard because we think it is us that has to make everything happen, rather than finding joy in the practice/program/plans which all are there to *get us out of our own way* and allow our real power to give birth.  It’s what Actor’s Faith is all about.   Find the freedom in THAT, enjoy the journey of the process and find the FUN in all of the little details along the way.   For me, regarding this new job, I now feel my mind and heart are free to focus on what I really love because I’ve given the “worry and idleness” something to do.  And that is a key word for me: focus.  Structure clears the chaos and the noise and allows me to see and live more clearly and be more focused, pay more attention and forces me (in a good way) to be more detailed oriented in my life.  And as I’ve stated before, what I know to be true:  God(or if you prefer: Life, Creation/Creator, Universe, Source, Flying Spaghetti Monster) is in the details.

So that is where life is right now!  Thanksgiving was lovely, hosted at our home with Jeff, Kim and Will (all are Seattle Freehold alumni; Will is currently in the Theatre Grad program at Rutgers).  Below are some pictures from Thanksgiving as well as our silly (and a little more than slightly wine induced) gratitude video clip.

i have no idea....seriously

jeff basting the turkey

jack and jeff

crazy charades game!

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